September 2023 - Dr. Sandra Lindholm

50 Shades of Confusion: Part 2
Sexy Secrets Women Want Their Men to Know

In Part 1, I talked about the power of seduction and dispelled some of the confusion about what women want from men in the bedroom. While many women seek a soul-mate friend to share their lives, they want a lover in bed—someone who is confident and in control. Women want to be seduced, and they want to be carried away from their busy, hectic lives. They want to ignite a man’s passion and let attraction take over.

Societal conditioning plays a big role in women’s hunger for seduction. Historically, women have been conditioned to suppress their desire and longing. What does that mean for women and for couples? First, many women are reluctant to say what they need and want from sex. Growing up, they may have been punished or humiliated for exploring their bodies, and as a result, they may be too embarrassed to tell their lover what feels good. From a young age, the message to women is they should be wide-eyed and innocent in the bedroom; the less they know the better. Women compound this social and cultural norm with a “knight in shining armor” syndrome that assumes men will instinctively know what to do to make them feel good. And, many women are concerned they will hurt their mate’s feelings if they offer suggestions in bed. The result is many women are having sex they don’t enjoy, a very real problem that drives down their desire and erodes the foundation of a relationship.
What’s a man to do?

Sexy Secret #1

Ask her what she likes. This can be a very fun, playful conversation that will bring you closer. Timing is important. As tempting as it is to quiz her when you’re between the sheets, I don’t recommend it. You’re both too vulnerable when you’re lying there naked. If you want answers when you’re in the moment, read her body by listening to her breathing and vocalization. Pay attention to how she is moving. Many men do what I call “the dip test” and think if a woman is wet, she must be aroused, and if she isn’t wet, she’s not aroused. This is not always true. There are a many factors that impact female lubrication, like hormonal forms of birth control, allergy medication, and dehydration… even the air conditioner can play a role! Don’t guess: Ask your sexy questions when you’re not in bed, and read her body when you are.

Sexy Secret #2

Don’t assume what worked for Jane will work for Joan. While women have a lot in common from a physiological perspective, every woman has a different life experience. The words and actions that excite and please one woman may be a complete turn-off for another. Treat every woman like the individual she is.

Sexy Secret #3

Keep moving the finish line. Women’s bodies, particularly the vulva and clitoris, need time to awaken. Many men go for the genitals right away, and if they use a firm touch too soon, women default to a “let’s get it over with” mindset. You will build sexual tension by indulging her body—but not her genitals—for 15 minutes or so. Non-genital sexual play is the secret. Once her vulva is warm and wanting, go ahead and move down. Use a gentle, almost teasing touch. Try it! Remember, few women will climax with simple penetration—the time you spend coaxing and teasing her vulva and clitoris will drive up her desire in surprising ways. When it’s time for sex, start slowly and then build. Get close to her clitoris—use your body to massage and move it. Pounding a woman’s clitoris with fast, hard thrusts is counterproductive. There’s no hurry, right? Pay attention to her breathing and listen to her body, then quicken your pace.

Sexy Secret #4

Lighten her load. Women’s sexuality and desire need space and time to bubble up to the surface, but our busy lives leave few opportunities to escape from work and family commitments. Women who are constantly running from one meeting to the next tend to feel harried and overwhelmed, and not really very sexy. Men can boost women’s desire by helping them clear their schedule so they have a few hours to themselves.

Sexy Secret #5

Remember, love is (mostly) blind. We assume our mate accepts our unbecoming habits because they love us, right? But these anti-erotic domestic behaviors—you know what they are—can decrease attraction, which is an important element of desire.

At the beginning of a relationship, we are on our best behavior. Then things start to slip—it’s only natural. When I counsel couples, I ask them to list the unbecoming behaviors that turn them off. Men usually hand me a list of 2-3 things. Women hand me a list that’s a page long. Why is this? Think about sexual desire as being regulated by a gas pedal and a brake pedal. In general, men tend to have a more sensitive gas pedal—their higher testosterone levels (the hormone that influences male and female desire) may enable them to look past some of women’s anti-erotic behaviors. And, men tend to receive more positive cultural and societal messages about their sexuality. In turn, they tend to be more permissive about potentially unappealing behavior. On the other hand, women have lower testosterone levels and they have received more negative cultural and societal messages about their sexuality than men. The combination of these two factors may result in more of her mate’s unbecoming—or even benign—behaviors landing on her brake and wilting her sexual desire.

Let’s look at a real life example: A women looks in the mirror and gasps at her smeared makeup and matted hair, but their mate’s testosterone helps him look past all that. She burps after a beer and he barely notices. But if a man presents a similar front, a woman will take notice. Keep in mind, I’m not suggesting men and women try to be perfect. I’m just suggesting we do the best we can. It all comes back to seduction. Women want to be courted—minimizing anti-erotic domestic behaviors can help to keep your courtship alive.

Everyone can have great sex

You don’t need money, fame, a great body, or a great job to have an amazing sex life. Being a great lover is 20% skill; the rest is attention and intention. Spontaneity is great, but don’t wait for it. Talk about what works and try something new with your mate… and let me know how it goes!

Stay tuned for 50 Shades of Confusion, part 3 where I’ll explore the role of pornography in relationships.

50 Shades of Confusion: Part 1
Sexy Secrets Women Want Their Men to Know

For many men, women are a conundrum of mixed messages when it comes to life and sex. In their business and personal lives, women are empowered and ambitious—they’re pushing for what they want and they’re getting it. They are masters of multi-tasking—juggling work, family and more—and control their destinies through careful planning.

In relationships, many women say they are looking for someone who will listen to them, talk with them, support their emotions, needs and ambitions, and be a best friend. They want someone who will acknowledge their power in a positive way and encourage them. But in bed, they want to let go of their power and feel a man’s confidence and strength. They don’t want a friend in the bedroom; they want a lover—someone who will seduce and delight them. They want instinct and undeniable attraction to take over, and they don’t want to give a whole lot of instruction.

Women’s desire to have a soul mate-friend at one moment and a bodice-ripping lover the next has left many men feeling unsure about what to do… and when. The truth is, most men aren’t hard-wired to give women the verbal intimacy they crave. And when they try to answer this need, it’s even more difficult to gauge when they should switch it off and dial up their power and strength. As a result, many men are confused and don’t know how to talk about it, and many women want more from sex, but don’t know how to ask for it.

I will dispel the confusion with one word: seduction. Women want to be seduced—they want to be carried away from their busy, hectic lives and taken to another place. Perhaps that’s why women are such big consumers of romantic literature. (Romance Writers of America found that in 2013, women made up 84% of the buying audience in a $1.08 billion romance novel market.)

Here are a few reasons behind women’s deep-seated desire for seduction and romance:

Women are socially and culturally conditioned to want to be desirable to men. There is something innately special and important about having the power to ignite a man’s passion and virility.
Women are conditioned to suppress their desire for sex. For centuries, women were encouraged to hold back their sexual longing and they were chastised if they expressed themselves in a sexual manner. While this cultural norm has dwindled over time, some women still do not feel comfortable telling a man what to do in the bedroom.

The problem is, Western culture doesn’t embrace seduction the way other world cultures do.

Many of us are too pragmatic, even when we’re intimate. Still, women want romance and they want to be swept off their feet. Here’s the good news: Seduction is easier than many men realize. Here are some strategies that men can try. (Let me know how it goes!)

Attention is sexy – Remember those first days and weeks after you met your partner? Remember how fantastic and hot they were? At the beginning of a relationship, we’re paying attention to everything from how our partner looks, to how they smell, to how they talk. Attention is the most seductive tool a man can use. That means looking at her when she’s speaking (put the phone, tablet and other electronics away). Engage her in conversation. Sincere compliments also go a long way.
Plan for the moment—Many of my clients dismiss this idea when I suggest it. They say they want to reclaim the spontaneity that they had at the beginning. If you reflect on the early days of your relationship before you shared your lives, getting together required planning. Going to a movie and dinner meant selecting a place and time, making reservations, and painstakingly selecting what you would wear. It meant straightening up the bachelor pad in case she came over afterwards. Spontaneity is great when it happens, but don’t wait for it. Take the initiative and make time for great sex.
Don’t touch just for sex – Many women complain that their mates only touch them when they want something. This can be a turn-off. Try incorporating touch into those mundane moments when sex is off the table and see how this can become part of the way you enjoy your mate’s company. Give her shoulder a quick caress when you’re in line at the grocery store. Dance your finger across her knee under the table when you’re out with friends. Touch is a powerful aphrodisiac; it confirms the connection between two people and it makes her feel special and desirable. Use it early and often, and surprise! It might just lead to sex.

Through attention, planning and easy intimacy, men can infuse a sense of sex into their relationship and build sexual tension that women can’t resist.

Once you get that tension going, confusion turns to clarity and there’s no denying what to do next.

Stay tuned for 50 Shades of Confusion, parts 2 and 3 where I’ll share more seduction tips and sexy bedroom techniques.