Remember, love is (mostly) blind. We assume our mate accepts our unbecoming habits because they love us, right? But these anti-erotic domestic behaviors—you know what they are—can decrease attraction, which is an important element of desire.

At the beginning of a relationship, we are on our best behavior. Then things start to slip—it’s only natural. When I counsel couples, I ask them to list the unbecoming behaviors that turn them off. Men usually hand me a list of 2-3 things. Women hand me a list that’s a page long. Why is this? Think about sexual desire as being regulated by a gas pedal and a brake pedal. In general, men tend to have a more sensitive gas pedal—their higher testosterone levels (the hormone that influences male and female desire) may enable them to look past some of women’s anti-erotic behaviors. And, men tend to receive more positive cultural and societal messages about their sexuality. In turn, they tend to be more permissive about potentially unappealing behavior. On the other hand, women have lower testosterone levels and they have received more negative cultural and societal messages about their sexuality than men. The combination of these two factors may result in more of her mate’s unbecoming—or even benign—behaviors landing on her brake and wilting her sexual desire.

Let’s look at a real life example: A women looks in the mirror and gasps at her smeared makeup and matted hair, but their mate’s testosterone helps him look past all that. She burps after a beer and he barely notices. But if a man presents a similar front, a woman will take notice. Keep in mind, I’m not suggesting men and women try to be perfect. I’m just suggesting we do the best we can. It all comes back to seduction. Women want to be courted—minimizing anti-erotic domestic behaviors can help to keep your courtship alive.